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Bullies, Bitches and Bastards
Eileen Condon
Amanda Edwards
A hilarious guide to dissing the dicks in your life.After years of meeting and putting up with crap people, a serious illness left Eileen Condon with plenty of time to ask herself why she ever put up with them. Her recovery was aided by countless hours spent in pubs with friend Amanda Edwards where they purged their bile about all the bullies, bitches and bastards that they have encountered.Bullies Bitches and Bastards is the result of their cathartic trawl through a rogues' gallery of crap boyfriends, girlfriends, bosses, family members, neighbours and work colleagues – people whose characteristics read like a thesaurus of cunning: sly, Machiavellian, gerrymandering, duplicitous, crafty, vulpine bastards.There's The Enormous Baby Boyfriend. He thinks you're his mummy. You have to cater to his every whim and pay him round-the-clock attention. Or he'll cry, throw a tantrum and vomit – all over you! Ta-da!Or, how about Beelzeboss? Marvel at the amount of energy they put into bitching and backstabbing. If they worked as hard at their actual job, they'd be Bill Gates. Particularly deft at wheedling out your Achilles heel and using it against you at every opportunity.Have you met Miss-Fortune Teller? She delights in your disasters. Don't be fooled by the sympathetic ear on the end of the phone, she's biting her knuckles with glee, barely able to contain her excitement at the good news that you're having such a bad time.Divided into a number of sections including partners, friends, bosses and colleagues this book will appeal to early mid-life, disaffected, disillusioned, burnt-out 30/40-somethings who have met these grotesques at some point in their lives. They, like the authors, want to see them pinned, slit open and dissected like a frog in a school lab.
Bullies, Bitches and Bastards
(Not so much a book, more a moral crusade)
by
Eileen Condon
and
Amanda Edwards
Illustrations by Joy Gosney
Dedication (#ulink_2d9fb5ab-5fad-5262-afeb-60ed3bdc5865)
This book is dedicated to all our family and friends—the perfect antidote to the BBBs out there. (You’re not in it. OK!)
All the characters in Bullies, Bitches and Bastards are entirely fictitious. Sadly, their behaviour isn’t. Furthermore, the authors accept no liability for persons recognising in themselves any of the bullying traits described herein. Quite frankly, if you do—shame on you.
Table of Contents
Title Page (#uaecb9cb3-918e-5687-8a37-9cf43712c46d)
Dedication (#u1a99cad7-8f95-5d96-aab8-1e246eb10fd1)
Introduction (#u112f52f7-27a5-5471-a2bd-2676e27d67bb)
Chapter One Husbands/Boyfriends (#uc3e2e2f2-f7a0-5d46-8a5e-85822bd069c1)
Chapter Two Wives/Girlfriends (#ucb03560c-b29e-52a6-99e2-688196057463)
Chapter Three Bosses/Colleagues (#u5cbbcc6d-40c3-5d70-b4b9-f0279ea30444)
Chapter Four Family (#u7e782bf3-819a-5c95-a54f-9139a3596528)
Chapter Five Friends (#uef793f67-6ff7-582e-b37e-87ea2a100fb2)
Chapter Six Neighbours and Local Folk (#u7c72866f-fe46-593b-a206-7bc808147e64)
Conclusion (#u860c4cd7-4437-5c8a-9b44-23069a1ae9d6)
Acknowledgments (#u993d9f30-a3f2-5f47-ba75-f28af2560041)
Copyright (#u6266fc75-761d-5905-9c40-bad000ca2789)
About the Publisher (#u22b033cd-34f0-5703-801c-bea386d7432f)
Introduction (#ulink_1aa46102-2262-569f-88c9-3db02713718e)
�I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: “O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.” And God granted it.’ (Voltaire)
That’s it. That’s enough. They’ve gone too far. By all that’s right and holy, they should be shuffling round a prison yard, shackled by the ankles to a Russian cannibal. But they’re not. They’re everywhere—people whose characteristics read like a thesaurus of cunning: sly, Machiavellian, gerrymandering, duplicitous, crafty, vulpine.
Bullies. Bitches. Bastards.
Unfortunately, you can’t get away from them. They’re in your home, in your workplace, and—God help you—even in your bed. And they didn’t come with a whiff of sulphur and a tail, did they? Bastards!
You’re trapped, doomed, finished—damned to hell in a Hyundai. Hold on: brakes, reverse. There is a solution: pin them down, slit them open and dissect them like frogs in a school lab. Not in a vivisectionist way, obviously, but metaphorically speaking.
So here they are, fully exposed: the Snake Charmer, the Utter Nutter, Beelzeboss, the Wicked Whittler, Foul Weather Friend, Lord of the Manor. And that’s only a handful of the…BBBs.
Beggar me backwards! They’re ridiculous.
The Git-ometer
The following icons will help you rapidly identify your bullies, your bitches and your bastards. (Oh dear—some have even scored a hat-trick.)
bully
bitch
bastard
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